“Nikki DuBose is an excellent example of the transformational powers of recovery. A former model turned author, speaker, and mental health advocate she had many experiences navigating the dark side of the modeling industry, while battling abuse, addiction, and various mental health issues (sexual victimization, eating disorders, alcoholism, drugs, depression, suicide attempts, body dysmorphic disorder, PTSD, psychosis). In her debut memoir Washed Away: From Darkness to Light, she intimately shares her process of destruction to regeneration. Tune into this week’s show to hear Nikki candidly talk about her path to healing.”
Recovery Warriors
Changing the Modeling Industry: Have You Heard About AB 2539?
“What: AB 2539 requires that all models in the state of California must get ‘periodic health checkups, nutrition counseling, and appropriate health testing as needed.’* Also, models will become employees of their agencies. Currently, they are independent contractors which allows the agents to get away will all sorts of underhanded and downright dangerous things (e.g., sexual harassment, withholding money, escorting out the models, pressuring them to lose weight which creates an environment for eating disorders and other destructive, fatal behaviors to manifest, and so on). Furthermore, the bill stipulates that The Occupational Safety and Health Standards Board and the State Department of Public Heath have to adopt the laid out health standards for the models, the agencies have to be licensed by the California Labor Commissioner, the models themselves must obtain a doctor’s certificate stating that they meet the noted health standards, and the agencies are required to store records; if they hire models who do not have an up-to-date doctor’s certificate, they can be fined.”
Read more on Recovery Warriors.
How to Move Forward When You Don’t Know What to do
“I think we all come to a point in our lives when we don’t know what to do; when we are faced with that moment it can leave us feeling helpless and hopeless. Especially when you’ve dealt with trauma, eating disorders, addictions, and various mental health issues, having to deal with difficult decisions can seem impossible. The coping mechanisms that we’ve used for so long are no longer there to act as our security blankets, and therefore, we have to navigate through life on our own two feet —and that’s scary.”
Read more on Recovery Warriors.
Hope and Healing from Sexual Abuse and Eating Disorders
“The physical, sexual and verbal abuse in my childhood had a direct effect on my self-esteem and self-image. As a result of the abuse and other factors, I developed an eating disorder at the age of eight which lasted for over seventeen years. Later, my mental health issues expanded into substance and alcohol abuse, sex addictions, body dysmorphic disorder, suicide attempts, compulsive spending and depression. I thought that my so-called “glamorous” career as a fashion model would fix my sadness and bury my pain, but nothing could. If anything, it only made it worse because I was not dealing with the mess, merely painting over it and positioned in an industry that oftentimes mirrored the psychologically damaging situations of my past.”
Read more on Recovery Warriors.
South Magazine
“Charleston native Nikki Dubose, 30, grew up immersed in chaos. She had an alcoholic mother with dissociative identity disorder and bipolar disorder. She was physically abused at age 4 and sexually abused at age 8, which is the same year she started binge eating. Overeating turned into purging by age 10, which eventually morphed into anorexia nervosa.”
Read more on South Magazine.
Seven Ways to Have a Better Body Image
“Perception of the body is something everyone shares, whether positive or negative. Body image can be shaped by a variety of complex factors including genetics, environment and the media.
Negative body image is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone, at some point in their lifetime, experiences a poor picture of themselves, whether it be mental or physical. The important thing to remember is that you are never alone and reaching out for help is a critical step in building a healthy self image.
Here are seven ways to clear away the dust and reconstruct a better body image.”
Read more on Recovery Warriors.
The God Question: Religion vs. Spirit
“’Does God exist?’ The question looms largely in our society today. Just mentioning religion or politics is enough to spark a heated debate anywhere, anytime. Your God, my God, no God, and let’s not forget the gods of different religions, cultures and mythologies.
Some are compelled to research the history of this so-called creator of life, and need scientific proof that such a supernatural being could exist. Others of us, however, believe with innocent faith, and tell openly of about our devotion and miraculous experiences.”
Read more on Recovery Warriors.
Paint Me A Soul — Part Two
Over the next week for NEDAwareness I will detail raw, personal accounts of my time in the modeling and entertainment industries. These stories serve to inform and educate the masses about eating disorders, mental health issues, drug and alcohol addictions, and what really lies behind the doors of the fashion world.
My remaining weeks in Los Angeles had been spent in sheer agony. In order to conform myself to the size that the esteemed modeling agency had asked, I had dropped to even more desperate measures than normal. Day after grueling day, I lived in hell. A blistering inferno that I couldn’t get out of.
Inside my mental blazes, I ran around in circles, unable to escape my insanities.
Every day I exercised for hours, binged, purged and locked myself in the bathroom to scrutinize my face and body. The only times I left my house were to get more supplies to fuel my obsessions. I took photograph after photograph of myself to see how much weight I had lost. In my mind, the more weight I lost, the more I achieved, and the more I achieved, the more valuable I was, to myself and to the modeling agency. My self worth was determined by people who only cared about my appearance and how much money I could rake in, but I didn’t care, I had no real love for myself.
October, 2008.
Christmas was only a couple of months away but the Miami weather raged on as if the summer had no end. As soon as I stepped off the plane in the sweltering Florida sun I sensed adventure, mixed with a feeling I couldn’t quite place. This undertaking would turn out to be one that I wouldn’t necessarily want to take.
I was instructed by the agents to come in the following day and sign my paperwork. I was overwhelmed by the move, the excitement of being in a new city and the fact that I was going to be a bona fide model! No longer would I just fantasize about being a model, I was actually going to be one. Pride washed over me and all at once I wanted to soar through the clouds and gaze at all the commoners in Florida. They would soon be seeing me on the billboards…I was a star!
The scenery the next afternoon on the way to the agency was quite a change from my safe house in Los Angeles. Girls and guys buzzed about on the white sanded beaches in barely-there bathing suits, rollerblading and confidently participating in a variety of sports. It was not going to be so easy to hide here. I pulled down my form-fitting skirt and withdrew my face as I passed through a dozen restaurants. The agents had informed me that I should wear something body-hugging, but now I was regretting it. I could feel a thousand unwanted eyes ripping off my clothes. I walked faster. As I entered into the sleek, two-story agency that faced the crystal ocean, I quietly took a seat and soaked in the moment.
I was the only person in the waiting area. All around me were large framed photographs of supermodels I recognized from the eighties and nineties. I was in awe. Did that mean I would be a supermodel, too? In my heart, I hoped so. I held my portfolio tightly and noticed a tall wall of composite cards. Rows of models that belonged to the agency were on display. I observed each and every one.
Wow, I thought. I wish I could look like her. I wonder what it’s like to be her, to be like that.
I became lost in the sea of faces and felt myself drowning.
Had I lost enough weight? Would they accept me?
I nervously tapped my foot but tried to appear calm and collected. My jittery eyes led to a second level that wrapped around to a glass enclosure. Inside a few agents stayed glued to their computers and telephones. They didn’t acknowledge my presence. I checked my phone; 2:49. The appointment was at 2:30. I bit my breath and quietly sat. In my stillness I was sorely reminded of one thing: how much I missed mom. In that moment I contemplated about what it would be like for her to be there with me, sitting beside me and cheering me on. I wanted her to be proud of me. I couldn’t wait to tell her about this opportunity, but most of all, I was tired of being…alone.
Podcast — “From Fashion Model to Role Model” with Recovery Warriors
My podcast with Recovery Warriors is now LIVE!
Hear me speak on overcoming a more than seventeen year battle with binge eating, bulimia, anorexia, drug and alcohol addictions, and mental health issues. Also I talk about my experiences in the modeling and entertainment industries and how walking away from them led to my recovery.
God Bless,
Nikki DuBose
Baked Apple Pancake with Cinnamon and Agave
Pancake with a twist! Baked in the oven with cinnamon and nutmeg, and topped with butter and agave.
You will need:
1 cup of flax milk (or whatever milk you prefer)
4 eggs
3 tablespoons of Organic turbinado sugar/monk fruit sweetner/honey/agave nectar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
*2/3 cup all purpose flour
*(Note: If you have a gluten allergy, here is a wonderul gluten-free mix from Bob’s Red Mill) http://www.bobsredmill.com/gluten-free-all-purpose-baking-flour.html
1/2 stick of unsalted butter (half for cooking apples, half for melting over finished pancake)
2 apples, any kind, cored and thinly sliced
3 tablespoons brown sugar
agave nectar to top
To make:
Preheat the oven to 425°F. While the oven is warming melt some butter in a pan on the stove and cook the apple slices until they are a golden brown, about five minutes. Whisk together the milk, eggs, sugar, vanilla, sea salt, cinnamon and nutmeg in a bowl until thouroughly combined. Add in the flour and stir until it is smooth. Pour the apple slices with the butter into a baking dish that is 13 x 9. Rearrange the apple slices so that they overlap and then cover with the batter. Cover with a touch of brown sugar. Bake the pancake until it is slightly brown, around 20 minutes, then remove and serve with agave, butter and any other toppings you prefer.
God Bless,
Nikki DuBose